I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
