I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Watching her eat just hurts me
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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