I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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