I will die if light touches me.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
im six kinds of drunk right now
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
