When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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