i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
