If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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