I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
