Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
