we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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