I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
