I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
