Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
