I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
