is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
