I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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