she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
