What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
