Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
