The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
