Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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