I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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