I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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