hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
