I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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