Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
