the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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