My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize
