the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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