ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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