Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
