Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
