To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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