i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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