I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
