I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize