whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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