she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
