It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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