I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
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