haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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