defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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