I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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