I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
