just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
