Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
