Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
