i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
