My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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