he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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