I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
