Plan B is the new Plan A
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
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