Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Drake has all the answers
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
