Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
