Whatcha textin bout Willis?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
