At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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