Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
