I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
