I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
This is the high leading the old right now
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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