lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
