he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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