Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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