escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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