I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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