I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
