so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
