I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
