Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
