70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
