My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
