Plan B is the new Plan A
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
