I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
