there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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