The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize